Love is not a game... Never play with it!

I am crushed, and devastated!
How can someone play with my heart just like that?
The trickery... the deception...
I really wonder how I can still manage to move on...
Fuck!
I gotta move on!


So, 7 months? Wow! We've been together for 7 long months...
But as it turned out...
The word "we" didn't even exist!!!
I was dreaming alone with him beside me...
I was so fuckin' in-love but was loving only one-way...

They warned me about him...
I listened but didn't let it sink in...
So, this is the consequence...
Fuck!
Why do I have to learn the hard and nasty way?

A sad story to share...
But a liberating effort for me...



THE FACTS AND DETAILS OF 1 OF THE GREATEST CONSPIRACY DONE TO ME:


March 7, 2007
♥ Refer to my entry posted on March 8, 07'
As it turned it...
There's nothing to break at all...
Because there was nothing...
Our relationship was just a joke...
to him...
but definitely not to me...

Additional infos:
We talked about us having “orgy”…
I have a crush on this guy. A sophomore nursing student, a real hottie…
I found out that he kinda likes me too…
So I told A.R. about it, he reacted very passively…
A.R. just told me that t’was fine with him if I go for my crush and even have sex with the guy…
But I told him that if it’s okay with him that I f*** others, it’s not cool with me if he’ll go and f*** new guys other than me.
I really didn’t know what to say about his incredibly malicious admission…
If I should be happy that A.R. is very open about me f***** other guys…
Or should I be mad at my man cause he no longer respect our exclusivity, it’s as if I can go and f*** everyone! Where is respect, loyalty and most of all love in our relationship?
But a part of me was happy,
Cause…
We’re open to each other…
Or perhaps there is something wrong happening that is very much hidden from me.



March 9, 2007 (a Friday)
♥ So I've waited for him after class, the usual thing...
We walked together...
In my opinion...
We seem very happy...
So it "seems"...
Our group needed to do a project so instead of staying behind and be with my man...
I have no choice but to leave him alone...
That word alone scares me to death knowing that during that time...I am so not secured in our relationship...
He walked me out of the campus...
While I was waiting for a jeepney with my groupmates...
I saw him...
He went back inside the campus with someone...
A girl...
I was so down after seeing it.





March 10, 2007
♥ The "b.f.-snatcher" texted me...
He managed to get my mobile phone's number...
And he fucked with my head... REAL GOOD!
My skin was flushed with this deep coldness...
I am silently crying out for help...
In that very harsh moment...
the guy that I thought would help me...
was nowhere...


March 11, 2007
♥ Can't help it any more...
So I texted A.R.
I told him that I needed his help so terribly...
He texted back...
Reassured me that the issue is nothing...
If it's nothing to him...
I just convinced my self to ignore and let the issue fade away...

>I also asked about last Friday's issue...
Who is the "girl"?
Why go back?
Why didn't he waved goodbye?

>And he answered:
t'was "Khaye" (the newly elected president)...
that he was hungry and needed to buy food in the canteen...
(no answer)

I believed every single word he said...
I trusted him...
I love him...





March 12, 2007 (a Monday)
♥ Early in the morning...
My classmate who's very close to me mouthed some words to me from the other side of our classroom...
He said...
"May sasabihin ako sa'yo... about kay A.R."
I know what to expect already...
So I replied, and I managed to joke about it...
"Let me guess... bad news?"
He said yes...
I couldn't wait for his story so I told him to write his story and exchange letters with me during class...
The letter said:
"Juno, si A.R. may iba na... nagsusumbong sa'kin yung 4th yr gay friend ko na nililigawan ni A.R. and the worst thing is pati yung B.F. nung 4th yr nililigawan na rin niya!... at sabi nung friend ko na yun, nahuli mo na daw sila before na magkasama..."
Fuck!
Fuck!
Fuck!
My sanity was torn into pieces...
Yes, I've seen A.R. before with that ugly gay guy a few months ago but I never really focused on it cause our relationship was doing great!...
Doin great in my point-of-view...
But recalling what happened that day that I saw them walking together...
He moved a few steps away from him...



What a day, right?
The big bust is yet to come...


The "4th yr" texted me...
That he is very willing to cooperate with me...
Fuck you!
What do you mean cooperate?
Help me to even fuck my head with more nasty information?
How they fucked behind my back?
How he satisfied his lust?
How they laughed real hard in my expense?



March 14, 2007
♥ “The Final Bout”

After almost 50 missed calls and a few not-so-sorry-more-of-a-very-much-proud text messages…
He texted me again telling me that if I don’t want to talk about it, it’s fine with him…
So I replied:
“Sn kb?
Mit me @ my dorm…
U knw wr 2 find me…”


He agreed.

After 6 hours of excruciatingly waiting for him at my friend’s dorm with other friends…
He finally told me that:
“Nnd2 na me sa tapat ng window mo, nakalock ung gate nyo…”

From my friends’ place I went to my dorm and asked one of my closest friends to walk me to my dorm…

Then I saw his face…
A very familiar face…
The face that I really recognize, that time became very puzzling to me in terms of identity.


All I wanted was to hear the truth…
Nothing more, nothing less…
The truth that was skillfully kept concealed to me…
The great fraud…
I just wanted to be set free…


Til the last drop of his uncanny blood…
He lied…
Wanting to fool me more…
Desiring to make the fucked up story craftier…
Isn’t the lies enough?
Can he make more miserable?
Is there a lot more I need to dumb myself with?

He constantly asked me painful to answer questions like:
“Galit ka?”
“Tayo pa ba?”
“Ano ba ang mga nalaman mo?”
“So tapos na tayo?”


I desperately wanted to hear an apology…
And until the end, after all the bruises, and the pain he had caused me…
Just one sincere “sorry” can erase all of it…
But he didn’t even manage to console and save my soul…

I insisted that he take all my love letters or should I say his love letters from me...
He didn'e take it...
As if they were just trash to him...
After the fucked up conversation...
He went outside...
just like that...
So I grabbed my keys...
crumpled all his love letters, locked my dorm, and threw it to trash!!!
On the second floor of my dorm...
I called his name...
And...
Slapped his face rael, real, REAL HARD!
And I ran away and went to my friends!
After that, I thought i would be happy, but 'til the end...
My concern for him rule over my hate!
Sigh...

And the most difficult thing is that I don't know anymore when to believe what ever he said to me whether it's fact or fiction, real or just words to relieve me...








March 20, 2007
♥And while I’m typing this entry at the school computer room, guess who came in?
Surprise!
It’s the gay couple that A.R. preferred against me.
What a fucker!
They were looking proud as if no harm was done…
I really wanted to punch their faces until I satisfy myself seeing blood running down their faces!





Now, what I've realized is that I did lose just one person in my life, one very valuable person (used to be)...
But I gained a lot...
My family, who loves me soooo much...
My army of friends... couldn't live without their back-up!
& people who care...
& of course Hotties who inspires me and suggests that "hey bitch, u gotta move on, damn you're HoT!" Hahahahaa... self flattery!
I'm not saying this cause I'm a very bitter EX!,
I just realized that I'm so damn filthy rich with the people who loves me inspite of me...
And that I don't need someone to make me feel my worth...
Thanks A.R. for breaking my heart...






Moving on!...
Damn!
This is sooo fun!
Yipee!;x

Break something weaker...

We are on our 7th month being together now, and things are getting much better each day! Tho tough times can't be avoided, we still make it through.
Yesterday, after a very tiring day...
A.R. and I decided to hang out at my dorm as we usually do.
We watched my gay porn DVD, well actually I didn't watch anymore since I know all the twist and turns the pornstars will do.
So I just lie down beside him...
while checking out his mobile phone, in his inbox...
I saw some text messages that I wish I just didn't see.
An unregistered number was texting my man...
Saying words like: "baby kumain ka na", "magkasama ba kau ni juno?", "wat gwa mu?" and other stuff that almost made my heart burst out! Burst out of jealousy and anger! My heart was beating like a horse's after a race!
It was my first time!
He's my first boyfriend, this is my first relationship and I don't know how to confront the situation...
Finally after a few more messages read, I asked him who's the person texting him and what is happening...
Then he told me everything...
The guy is an ugly gay guy, was an ex-nursing student, a sophomore, and is now a Rad Tech student that A.R. encountered in the past.
Well, I am amazed how that feisty bitch nicknamed me "DRAGON" (he's assuming that I'm a war-freak)and how he desperately text someone's bf and tell him how horny he is. Gosh! how lame and pitiful!
I wanted to hunt the illusional fag and be very, very, very, VERY VIOLENT...
but I'm not like that...
Thank God I still have my composure amidts the drama...
And if I pay attention to the soooper dreamer bitch, it'll just prove him right that I am a "DRAGON".
And why should I stoop down to his level?
If my man doesn't even care about the issue, why would I waste my time troubling myself with a pathetic loser?
I asked A.R. why he didn't tell me that someone's texting him...
he reassured me that no one can break what we have...
I am stupid at times, but I know when to use my head!
I know that he loves me, and i can really feel it...
But all I want is that next time, our relationship will be much stronger if we have honesty and share each other's pain and triumphs.
We are going there...
We are going there...