Episode 1:
I met “Barri”, a 25 year old marketing department member, for quite a long time ago, maybe one year ago or so, on an online networking site for the gay community. My desire to meet him never became a reality because I was not brave enough to pull off my attempts. After several months of anticipating, now, I’ve finally met him, what will I do next? But the more relevant question is: “is there something more left for me to do?”
I know the gay online trade, people meet for something; friendship, romance, or lustful sexual encounters, and that time, I didn’t know exactly what I wanted from Barri. All I know is that I had a poisonous attraction towards him; he was physically magnetic. But for the longest time, we’ve been sending text messages on and off for like once every two months or more like a quarterly and seasonal event and every time we do, I end up awfully frustrated in meeting this perfect figure that I’ve assembled in my head. I really like him. Most of my standards in a man are in him; he’s gorgeous, tall, powerfully built, smart, and spontaneous! I am aware that it is easy for people to tell lies online just to appear interesting but with him, I just know that he’s the real deal. And so I built a sort of dream about us being together, sometime, someday, somewhere, somehow.
There were numerous instances that we could’ve met, however I was more concerned about what alibi to use at home just to escape and meet Barri. And for those times that he was out of my system, I was in a constant effort to find myself a lover. I can’t totally say that I failed; it’s just that I wasn’t able to find the right blend for an amazing relationship. Then, out of nowhere, it was about 9 in the morning of the 13th of this month (a Thursday) when he texted me and said “hi” and hello frustration for me again! That time I was in Santa Cruz enjoying a break off from school with my siblings at home and he was in Pila (the town next to Santa Cruz). While I was keeping the conversation going, we found ourselves on an agreement to meet up! Since the pressure in me of meeting him intensifies, I grabbed that single chance and offered to meet him at the basketball court a few steps away from our house on a dry and hot mid noon. We were both reluctant because of the location and time of the meeting, so we cancelled it. Setting off an appointment with him wasn’t a new incident, so it didn’t bother me much, maybe next time…again. Surprisingly, that next time was that very same day; it was 10 in the evening when he sent me a text message. Barri invited me to join him together with his friends to drink and party the night away at Los Baños, Laguna, the infamous town known for “Buko pies” 5 or 6 towns away from Santa Cruz, and again, same issue; going out late at night that would require one believable and valid excuse. I left Barri hanging on the other line with no definite place or time but I gave him a definite “yes” that I’ll meet him until I figure out one brilliant plan. I am just letting my impulse to do its magic! The clock was ticking and so was my mind, by 12 midnight, I was still struggling to figure out a way to set up everything; from the place, time and even what we’ll do. Later, I got exhausted of thinking about our date that I dozed off. I was awakened at around 2 A.M. by annoying beeps coming from my out bursting mobile phone, and it was Barri! Before I slept (half intentional and half out of physical tiredness) my plan was either meet him here at Santa Cruz or at Pila once he’s home from the party. At that instant, secretly meeting someone from a town away at 2 in the morning would require some serious 007-like skills. It was with racing pulse and adrenaline rush that I managed to dress up good and sneak out incredibly dim-witted. I knew that my eldest ‘kuya’ noticed that someone went outside because I made screeching noise with the doors and the gate and that time, he was still awake (actually he just woke up that night, so he’s perfectly not drowsy at all) watching T.V. in the other room due to his crazy jet lag from the other day. The next thing I knew was I was on a runaway trip to something or someone I’ve been craving for. When I first saw Barri; fireworks! The translation from pixels and letters on the computer screen to the tangible and abstract being of him matched precisely. And when we started talking, it was a never ending exchange of stories more like of singers performing a duet. Everything that he kind of protected or kept secret regarding his identity he divulged to me that night. From his real name to more personal information that I’ve wanted to learn long before. I had a very high expectation that we will have a steamy summer night of sexual gratification but what I received was far better compensation; a mind blowing orgasm! An intellectual orgasm! Even though I thought of stealing a kiss or just a kind embrace will do. Those never happened. After three hours of talk, walk, and star gazing; I felt happy and sad and on the verge of going insane every time I remember what he told me in between our long conversation. If I am graduating from college, he’s graduating from homosexuality. He told me that being gay is fun, although he mentioned that he’s through with it. He had seen it all, did what has to be done, and concluded that there is no genuine love when it comes to same sex relationships; just companionship. When Barri told me that, I had a tighter grip to my faith that ‘we’ can find love in some way and some time and space. I am a hopeless romantic and I intend to stay this way for quite a longer time. What I didn’t see coming was when he told me that he’s planning to settle down and start a family with his girlfriend soon. He explained further that the reason behind our meeting was to offer me friendship. I was in the middle of a masquerade with him. I told Barri that I was a bit devastated by the news but I am equally glad that we had that moment. Is this scenario of I and Barri a typical case of “Right place, Wrong time”? And that question I wouldn’t tire myself answering. I sincerely respect his intention and I only have high regards of him. Now, I look up to him and see him as a ‘kuya’. Damn! I felt like this kid in a candy shop all in a sugar rush, the temptation was in front of him and all he did was snatch a jelly bean and ran away with what little fix he can have! I honestly wanted more of him but I realized that with just the friendship is really enough. And if ever we enter into a relationship, I am like a time bomb; I’m explosive and damaging with no warning, so I guess it probably would not work. I need to recollect myself! Because I want too many things in life that I end up wanting nothing at all! We finished talking by 4:30 in the morning. Barri insisted to accompany me ‘til I was on a jeepney going to Santa Cruz. I shook his hand, said “thank you”, and rode the jeep. When I got home everyone was awake; my two kuya’s, younger brother and sister! I sensed their suspicion but I didn’t bother to elaborate my motive. I am very happy that I met an amazing man with a pure soul that is Barri! I slept smiling.
I am not putting too much emphasis on Barri and my experience with him, I am writing because I’ve learned that being gay is a bold choice, that’s all! And to all my queers out there… cheers!
Episode 2:
After a week, Barri and I met again last night. That afternoon, while we were texting, I found out that he was having a dilemma. I can sense heaviness in his words. He kept on telling me to pray for him, and told me not to worry about him. How can I possibly keep my cool when all he was saying was just to include him in my prayers and without any assurance that he’s in a good condition. At first, he was trying to hide it from me but I was persistent in offering myself and he eventually told me his issue. He needed help; a material one, and when I found out that I can help him, I didn’t hesitate to come to his rescue! He was feeling so low and helpless and he even offered me that he will do anything in exchange of a small favor. Even though I wanted to take advantage of his situation, I couldn’t afford to benefit from someone’s weak point. And I even felt a bit offended but no harm taken. I told him that I am his friend; “I am here to help you, nothing more, and nothing less”. I am no self-righteous bitch, but helping a friend in need is far greater than one time bliss. When I arrived at Pila, Laguna from Dasmariñas, Cavite, I stayed at a waiting shed for several minutes for Barri to fetch me. When I saw him, he really seemed okay. Then, I had one of the most amazing times in my life! Barri took me for a ride; a motorcycle ride to a calm, solemn, and dreamy place! It was like a scene from a movie and like what I’ve told him; “…parang MTV ‘to”. Last night the moon was romantically life full and it was naturally breezy! He took me to a moonlit road stretched with rice fields and lined with trees along both sides. The view was impeccable! Silhouette of mountains, the formation of clouds and glittery stars are an instant remedy to a worn out spirit! Barri told me his problems and I was there to comfort him with what small effort I can present; I tried to lighten him up more. I gave jokes like that “…I feet like his mistress taking stolen moments from his girlfriend”, and that “I am not gay, I am really a girl just plain boyish”, I heard him laughed hard, his laughter that I never heard before. And again, runaway trips to intellectual orgasm with Barri are worth every journey, he’s a destination! Even though I’ve accepted that this wonderful guy is just a friend or more so like a ‘kuya’-figure to me, I can’t avoid desiring him. I hope that one day; my journey with Barri will no longer remain as an escape and I am looking forward to what we have right now will lead us into a strong friendship. We stayed sitting on a concrete bench for an hour and it was enough for me. He kept on thanking me with the support I gave him but little does he know that I’m equally thankful for everything he’s doing for me.
For now, I do not want a lover to be with me. I am perfectly okay with being single. But I am steadily waiting… for I know that there is that someone designed for me!
Barri is my favorite drug, he is my happy pill, he's my addiction.
