Welcome to Santa Cruz

RUNAWAY TRIP TO ORGASM

noreply@blogger.com (Juno) — Fri, 21 Mar 2008 03:02:00 +0000

Episode 1:

I met “Barri”, a 25 year old marketing department member, for quite a long time ago, maybe one year ago or so, on an online networking site for the gay community. My desire to meet him never became a reality because I was not brave enough to pull off my attempts. After several months of anticipating, now, I’ve finally met him, what will I do next? But the more relevant question is: “is there something more left for me to do?”

I know the gay online trade, people meet for something; friendship, romance, or lustful sexual encounters, and that time, I didn’t know exactly what I wanted from Barri. All I know is that I had a poisonous attraction towards him; he was physically magnetic. But for the longest time, we’ve been sending text messages on and off for like once every two months or more like a quarterly and seasonal event and every time we do, I end up awfully frustrated in meeting this perfect figure that I’ve assembled in my head. I really like him. Most of my standards in a man are in him; he’s gorgeous, tall, powerfully built, smart, and spontaneous! I am aware that it is easy for people to tell lies online just to appear interesting but with him, I just know that he’s the real deal. And so I built a sort of dream about us being together, sometime, someday, somewhere, somehow.

There were numerous instances that we could’ve met, however I was more concerned about what alibi to use at home just to escape and meet Barri. And for those times that he was out of my system, I was in a constant effort to find myself a lover. I can’t totally say that I failed; it’s just that I wasn’t able to find the right blend for an amazing relationship. Then, out of nowhere, it was about 9 in the morning of the 13^th of this month (a Thursday) when he texted me and said “hi” and hello frustration for me again! That time I was in Santa Cruz enjoying a break off from school with my siblings at home and he was in Pila (the town next to Santa Cruz). While I was keeping the conversation going, we found ourselves on an agreement to meet up! Since the pressure in me of meeting him intensifies, I grabbed that single chance and offered to meet him at the basketball court a few steps away from our house on a dry and hot mid noon. We were both reluctant because of the location and time of the meeting, so we cancelled it. Setting off an appointment with him wasn’t a new incident, so it didn’t bother me much, maybe next time…again. Surprisingly, that next time was that very same day; it was 10 in the evening when he sent me a text message. Barri invited me to join him together with his friends to drink and party the night away at Los Baños, Laguna, the infamous town known for “Buko pies” 5 or 6 towns away from Santa Cruz, and again, same issue; going out late at night that would require one believable and valid excuse. I left Barri hanging on the other line with no definite place or time but I gave him a definite “yes” that I’ll meet him until I figure out one brilliant plan. I am just letting my impulse to do its magic! The clock was ticking and so was my mind, by 12 midnight, I was still struggling to figure out a way to set up everything; from the place, time and even what we’ll do. Later, I got exhausted of thinking about our date that I dozed off. I was awakened at around 2 A.M. by annoying beeps coming from my out bursting mobile phone, and it was Barri! Before I slept (half intentional and half out of physical tiredness) my plan was either meet him here at Santa Cruz or at Pila once he’s home from the party. At that instant, secretly meeting someone from a town away at 2 in the morning would require some serious 007-like skills. It was with racing pulse and adrenaline rush that I managed to dress up good and sneak out incredibly dim-witted. I knew that my eldest ‘kuya’ noticed that someone went outside because I made screeching noise with the doors and the gate and that time, he was still awake (actually he just woke up that night, so he’s perfectly not drowsy at all) watching T.V. in the other room due to his crazy jet lag from the other day. The next thing I knew was I was on a runaway trip to something or someone I’ve been craving for. When I first saw Barri; fireworks! The translation from pixels and letters on the computer screen to the tangible and abstract being of him matched precisely. And when we started talking, it was a never ending exchange of stories more like of singers performing a duet. Everything that he kind of protected or kept secret regarding his identity he divulged to me that night. From his real name to more personal information that I’ve wanted to learn long before. I had a very high expectation that we will have a steamy summer night of sexual gratification but what I received was far better compensation; a mind blowing orgasm! An intellectual orgasm! Even though I thought of stealing a kiss or just a kind embrace will do. Those never happened. After three hours of talk, walk, and star gazing; I felt happy and sad and on the verge of going insane every time I remember what he told me in between our long conversation. If I am graduating from college, he’s graduating from homosexuality. He told me that being gay is fun, although he mentioned that he’s through with it. He had seen it all, did what has to be done, and concluded that there is no genuine love when it comes to same sex relationships; just companionship. When Barri told me that, I had a tighter grip to my faith that ‘we’ can find love in some way and some time and space. I am a hopeless romantic and I intend to stay this way for quite a longer time. What I didn’t see coming was when he told me that he’s planning to settle down and start a family with his girlfriend soon. He explained further that the reason behind our meeting was to offer me friendship. I was in the middle of a masquerade with him. I told Barri that I was a bit devastated by the news but I am equally glad that we had that moment. Is this scenario of I and Barri a typical case of “Right place, Wrong time”? And that question I wouldn’t tire myself answering. I sincerely respect his intention and I only have high regards of him. Now, I look up to him and see him as a ‘kuya’. Damn! I felt like this kid in a candy shop all in a sugar rush, the temptation was in front of him and all he did was snatch a jelly bean and ran away with what little fix he can have! I honestly wanted more of him but I realized that with just the friendship is really enough. And if ever we enter into a relationship, I am like a time bomb; I’m explosive and damaging with no warning, so I guess it probably would not work. I need to recollect myself! Because I want too many things in life that I end up wanting nothing at all! We finished talking by 4:30 in the morning. Barri insisted to accompany me ‘til I was on a jeepney going to Santa Cruz. I shook his hand, said “thank you”, and rode the jeep. When I got home everyone was awake; my two kuya’s, younger brother and sister! I sensed their suspicion but I didn’t bother to elaborate my motive. I am very happy that I met an amazing man with a pure soul that is Barri! I slept smiling.

I am not putting too much emphasis on Barri and my experience with him, I am writing because I’ve learned that being gay is a bold choice, that’s all! And to all my queers out there… cheers!

Episode 2:

After a week, Barri and I met again last night. That afternoon, while we were texting, I found out that he was having a dilemma. I can sense heaviness in his words. He kept on telling me to pray for him, and told me not to worry about him. How can I possibly keep my cool when all he was saying was just to include him in my prayers and without any assurance that he’s in a good condition. At first, he was trying to hide it from me but I was persistent in offering myself and he eventually told me his issue. He needed help; a material one, and when I found out that I can help him, I didn’t hesitate to come to his rescue! He was feeling so low and helpless and he even offered me that he will do anything in exchange of a small favor. Even though I wanted to take advantage of his situation, I couldn’t afford to benefit from someone’s weak point. And I even felt a bit offended but no harm taken. I told him that I am his friend; “I am here to help you, nothing more, and nothing less”. I am no self-righteous bitch, but helping a friend in need is far greater than one time bliss. When I arrived at Pila, Laguna from Dasmariñas, Cavite, I stayed at a waiting shed for several minutes for Barri to fetch me. When I saw him, he really seemed okay. Then, I had one of the most amazing times in my life! Barri took me for a ride; a motorcycle ride to a calm, solemn, and dreamy place! It was like a scene from a movie and like what I’ve told him; “…parang MTV ‘to”. Last night the moon was romantically life full and it was naturally breezy! He took me to a moonlit road stretched with rice fields and lined with trees along both sides. The view was impeccable! Silhouette of mountains, the formation of clouds and glittery stars are an instant remedy to a worn out spirit! Barri told me his problems and I was there to comfort him with what small effort I can present; I tried to lighten him up more. I gave jokes like that “…I feet like his mistress taking stolen moments from his girlfriend”, and that “I am not gay, I am really a girl just plain boyish”, I heard him laughed hard, his laughter that I never heard before. And again, runaway trips to intellectual orgasm with Barri are worth every journey, he’s a destination! Even though I’ve accepted that this wonderful guy is just a friend or more so like a ‘kuya’-figure to me, I can’t avoid desiring him. I hope that one day; my journey with Barri will no longer remain as an escape and I am looking forward to what we have right now will lead us into a strong friendship. We stayed sitting on a concrete bench for an hour and it was enough for me. He kept on thanking me with the support I gave him but little does he know that I’m equally thankful for everything he’s doing for me.

For now, I do not want a lover to be with me. I am perfectly okay with being single. But I am steadily waiting… for I know that there is that someone designed for me!

Barri is my favorite drug, he is my happy pill, he's my addiction.

"May karanasan ka bang makipagtalik sa kapwa lalaki/babae?"

noreply@blogger.com (Juno) — Sat, 08 Mar 2008 05:54:00 +0000

That was the intense question I needed to answer this afternoon! Gosh, all I wanted was the free pin after I donate my blood, but I never expected such blood pressure-increasing interogation!

So, I went there expecting to be sucked big time (of blood), the people took my vital signs and weight. Then, they handed me with this questionaire that, I guess, will assess my health condition further. In the form, there are questions regarding my current health status (in Tagalog), like: "May sakit ka ba sa atay, baga, puso, etc.?" and I aced it all with "wala". I felt so healthy with those questions! And then, I came across this dreadful question... "May karanasan ka bang makipagtalik sa kapwa lalaki/babae?". I know the truth, I know myself, I'm very honest (tactless at times), I know I have to tell the truth, I'm a nurse, it's my responsibility... So, I answered with a very frank "Oo"!

When I proceeded to the reception, I met my friends and they told me how they got rejected. Some of them were tired & lack enough sleep last night, have a low blood pressure, underweight or under medication... and I was joking, "baka ma-reject din ako, promiscuos kasi ako! hahaha"... and since they were my close friends, they know me, period. They were like, "wala ka namang HIV o AIDS no! Go, go, go!"... "But I had sex last month, okay lang kaya na nagsinungaling ako?" I said. But they thought I was being paranoid and was a bit delicate with the sensitivity of my sex life. So I went on! Then the lady who was testing everyone's blood type reviewed my answers on the questionaire, and was a bit judgemental with my answer on the question: "May karanasan ka bang makipagtalik sa kapwa lalaki/babae?" when she gave out a grin! I was so embarrased! Then she gave me a follow-up question: "Kelan pa to?" pointing to my answer on the questionaire. And I lied with my answer, I replied: "ilang buwan na po..." when the truth is it was just a month ago. I know she was just doing the protocol, but damn! it was tough! And when they have to re-examine my vital signs, the male receptionist asked me again the question: "May karanasan ka bang makipagtalik sa kapwa lalaki/babae?"... Gosh! In the back of my mind, I can sense that these people are passing judgement on my chosen lifestyle. Oh, well. If they were, its not me whose being 'unprofessional'. And the last stop was with the physician. While he was checking me up, I wanted to tell him the truth that I had sex last month, but I didn't. Carry on, I said to myself... And so I did.

The needle they inserted in me was a large bore! And boy was it painful! But ♪big girls don't cry♫ I donated 450ml of blood in exchange of the pin and... free food (soda in can, hotdog sandwhich, and carbonara). That was enough compensation for me!

I think, I'd make this a hobby! Sticking jumbo needles into your vein was fun! I'll donate my precious blood again! :lol:

P.S.

Check out the photos of my journey to paleness at my gallery.

Fuck You! I want you, but I can't have you!

noreply@blogger.com (Juno) — Thu, 28 Feb 2008 03:17:00 +0000

Dear Skinny White Jeans,

I am writing to you out of desperation. When I first glanced at you, I instantly felt that certain connection. So, I started a quest to look for you; the divine pair of you. First stop: "REFILL". Although that shop sells some so-so clothing for men (and just to add the hefty tag price not reasonable for the quality of their items), still, I gave it a chance because maybe, just maybe they would be selling the so-for-metrosexuals-with-a-waistline-of-not-more-than-29". But all I saw there was a lousy pair of white jeans, not skinny and oh-so-not-worthy of my peso. I've been to "BENCH" and all I saw was a straight cut which I didn't like at all. The fit was okay but not enough to leave me in awe. I thought that it was so mass-produced-ish more like for the masses. If I would spend, I'd spend on the next best thing. But I didn't stop there, and so I searched again. Then I passed by "MOSSIMO", bam! I saw the 'next best thing' white jeans. The cut was okay, the fit was alright, and the price? 50%! Right then there, i wanted to swipe my card, but thank God, I won over my impulsiveness. Although I wanted 'it', I managed to look one last time for the perfect white skinny jeans. "GUESS?", just typing the name makes me wanna rob a bank A.S.A.P.! And there, I saw it hanging near the entrance; the white skinny jeans. Even without checking out the tag, I know I would be seeing four digits. I tried it on... it was perfect. And then I found myself in the best shopping torture there is; having the stuff you want in your shaking hands with your pocket full of air waiting for some cents to add up to your savings. I can enumerate more top brands where I can find myself drooling and desperate in having the most amazing clothes but I just have to give it up. Fuck You! I want you, but I can't have you! This feeling may be wrong; the urge to spend aimlessly, but I know your presence would bring life to my style. You would be the perfect addition to my wardrobe! Then, I suddenly had an itching desire to dug deep into my pocket and buy you! And so I did. I bought the 'next bext thing'. And I am glad I did. Thank you for coming into my closet.

Yours loyally,

Fashion Victim

P.S.

I'm sorry for saying fuck you!♥

Hearts All Around

noreply@blogger.com (Juno) — Mon, 28 Jan 2008 03:47:00 +0000

February, Valentines Day, cupid, roses & chocolates, phone calls, hot sex, and emotional rollercoaster ride.

Everywhere I turn, I see hearts all around me.

A waiting heart.

A longing heart.

A heart oh-so-in-love.

A heart in distress.

A broken heart.

A question mark-full heart.

An angry heart.

A heart praising God.

A heart of a friend.

A father's/mother's heart.

A cold, rock-hard heart.

A dead heart.

A begging heart.

A gay heart.

A jealous heart.

A healthy heart.

Your heart.

And my heart.

My friend once said: "Love comes, Love goes, Love waits, Love dies...". Maybe she's right. But I believe that love is a cycle. You fall in-love, then you fall out of it. You fight for the love you have and you lose it all. You feel hurt. You die. You wait. You live again. You find new reasons to smile and you eventually get your groove back like "Stella". Life goes on, people move on. You can choose the role of a "stuck-up bitch", it's your loss. Because life gets better and better, for love is a cycle. All you have to do is let yourself get carried away by the current.

I dedicate this to Juan Paolo, I whom he calls his everything.

What happened to Heath Ledger?

noreply@blogger.com (Juno) — Thu, 24 Jan 2008 02:56:00 +0000

Heath Ledger is dead!
What a tragedy to the American Film & TV industry. Why do we have to loose such a hot and talented actor like Heath? Gosh, I really liked him a lot! He was my Ennis Del Mar! I couldn't get enough of the heat and the drama of the Ennis-Jack love story. It is the movie that gave a breathe of fresh air for the gay community. When I first read the news on my e-mail yesterday, I didn't bother to read it although for me it was an interesting entry. I thought it was just yet another catchy heading or a spam or some sort of gimmick, but oh no, when I turned on the T.V., the sad news was all over the place and I couldn't believe it! If I am shocked, probably many people will feel the same. He's a huge loss. And definitely, Michelle and their daughter is in deep pain today. May you rest in peace Heath.

Now my dreams of seeing Brokeback Mountain part two is gone...

The Winner: My Ass Is Tighter Than My Big Mouth

noreply@blogger.com (Juno) — Mon, 31 Dec 2007 00:20:00 +0000

What a vulgar heading! If I certainly need attention, this is the way to go, the foul and nasty road to stardom!
Since I can't stop the itch, I'll let my big mouth do its talking. I had sex with a friend. Forgive me for rushing into the climax. My friend told me to keep it a secret. I, on the other hand, sold our story like "Keso De Bola" on Christmas Season! By the way, Happy Holidays! Going back, but I would go brief, although not precise, on the details. And as much as I want to bare it all (the names, the places, the dates, the how's and why's of the story) I need to give due respect (the remaining) to my friend.
After five or so rounds of alcohol, my friends and I (we were a group of eight) are literally and figuratively all over the place! We were crying, almost kind of aggressively attacking each other, and just valuing our last Christmas in college. On the other side of the party, the usual I'm-so-horny-when-I'm-tipsy me randomly told my guy friend that I have the hots for him in a warm embrace while we were both standing in the middle of the garden. I really don't expect anything, honestly. I was not even waiting for a "putang ina, walang namang taluhan" dialogue at all. I was just plain I.S.H.W.I.T. and feeling so lousy. Yes, the spirit of alcohol doesn't do any good to my system. It just exaggerates my suppressed desires and unconscious thoughts. Going back... To my surprise, he whispered back: "Juno, I like you too...” in a soft and sexy way that turned me wild in a snap! Then I started kissing and sucking his neck aimlessly! I can say that our friendship is shallow; it is bound by companionship and platonic bond. But that night, I felt connected to him! (Who wouldn't?) And while I was trying to drive him nuts, he kept on whispering: "stop! Juno, stop! I'm having a boner!" again, in the softest tone I've ever heard of him utter. Now I can't remember why I stopped kissing him that evening because it has been nine or more days ago. All I know is that it didn't stop there! The whole night, I pleasured him in the sneakiest and subtle way I could possibly do amidst the presence of our unknowing and drunk friends. I was so devilishly lusty! What I did to him was like more of sexual teasing with the details I won't elaborate. But we never really did it! But wait! There's more!
We could've done it that night but he refused.
That very next morning, with the sun still not up, I was awakened by the beep of my mobile phone. A text message, from him saying: "I want you". I was on cloud nine! That message was an effective way of throwing flattery that can quickly put me ablaze! Obviously, I like the guy. Actually I do have a crush on him that I was amusing myself for quite a while. And I manage to keep it a secret from him. But I am not so sure if he was clueless knowing that I tried flirting with him in a somehow foolish and joking type of way. And yes we're in the same circle of friends. I guess it's inevitable to fall for a friend. All it takes is the decision to cross between friendship and love. Going back, going back! So that day, after waiting a few more hours, everyone went to each and every personal agendas and our group split ways. But not us! We live in the same dormitory, although we are not roommates, we live on the same floor (now this is a give-away piece of information, if you want to know his identity. Fuck me! My ass is tighter!). After settling down in my room, the urge was growing and growing every millisecond in me until I rushed outside and ended up knocking on his door. Crazy thoughts were running inside my head those times. And when he opened his door, with him half naked and wearing only a boxer brief, I hurriedly went inside and we started to entangle ourselves in a blissful kisses and embraces. Then he asked me: "are you sure about this?" in my head, I was like "Oh yes I am sure! Just for keeping me wanting you for how long, I am definitely sure of turning my fantasy into reality!” So I returned back the question "are you sure you want this?" I said, in a joking manner. And with no words spoken we went on. Sorry but I have to spoil the excitement. Although quite some pleasuring occurred, we both did not came. So there!
After the incident, I started texting him. Saying how I can’t stop thinking about him and that I am confused if what happened was just casual sex. And again to my surprise, he responded positively. And we kept on exchanging messages for five or so days. The thing was I am not sure if I need to be attached to him as of this very moment. Or if I am willing to cross the thin line of our friendship or should I say am I now willing to draw another line between us again. And we are challenged to answer the dilemma of Lust VS Love. But we finished up by choosing to be just friends as of this very moment before we float on our thoughts of us in a relationship (which is really not a bad idea). Actually, I am so sorry for him because he had to experience my complexity first hand! I am like the wind; I can blow from North then South, then East and then West! And most of the times I just want to bang my head on the wall for the petty catastrophes I create!
Moving on! And proving that my ass is tighter than my big mouth, I told one of our friends our dirty little secret that very same day after we did it. You can now choke me to death my friend!
What is the moral lesson of my story?
Get drunk, but take the responsibility.
Fuck your friend, and still take the responsibility.
Follow your heart! And take full responsibility…
And thoroughly assess yourself if you’re ready for a commitment, even though it is fun to be lost in love, still you are responsible for every bit of your life’s drama!
Amen?
Although I am longing for someone to call my lover, I will just know within me that he is it! So I am in a rush. Fools rush in, and I am a fool. So where does it take me?
What a year!
And what do I expect of me in 2008? I expect the unexpected, I still have to deal with the ever complex Juno, that you can simply hate or love.
Happy New Year my dear friends!

Seeing me in him

noreply@blogger.com (Juno) — Fri, 23 Nov 2007 02:26:00 +0000

Last Monday, while checking out what's left on my cobwebbed multiply account, I bumped into an unusual photo in my contacts section; the picture of my "ex" with his new "mate" (which is my actual contact & a friend). My initial reaction? heart rate increased, excessive sweating of palms & the urge to alt-f4 the window. But I was able to survive glancing at the thumbnail for a few seconds and ended up browsing my multiply as if nothing buggled me a few seconds ago. In the picture, I saw them both smiling, lying on bed or somewhere with the "new guy" in my ex's arm. Honestly, really, really, really honestly... to me... it's not a BIG DEAL anymore.

hdfgsdfgsdg

noreply@blogger.com (Juno) — Tue, 09 Oct 2007 04:38:00 +0000

gfsdgdfgdafg

"A Moon and A Billion Star... I only need One Sunshine"

noreply@blogger.com (Juno) — Wed, 12 Sep 2007 22:45:00 +0000

I have big opportunities to enter in a relationship...

but I chose to stay single.

I am constantly asking myself... "Do I still need 'time' and 'space' like an astronaut?" This what I tell my friends (in a comical manner) whenever they ask me about my current love-life stats; "I need time & space". But for how long?

Now, I have this wonderful guy in my life... He shows great interest in me. But I just can't say "yes"... Fuck my standards!!! Fuck me!!! Oh, just fuck me! And now I am a "SIGURISTA"? Or maybe just maybe that I may be so sure that there are better guys than him that would perfectly fit my rotten standards.

_____________________________________________________________________________

My Basic Standards:

1st: "Attraction is VITAL"- if you're HOT, you're just a few centimeter away... but if you're NOT... let's see if we can work on it...

2nd: "The 'L' word"- well as they say "Love" is mysterious like the Sphinx in Egypt, but my second standard is... is the guy showing genuine interest, care, desire to own me? If not... then we might just be hooking up because of the "F" word...

3rd: "I'll make love to you, like you want me to, and I'll hold you tight baby all through the night"- Boyz2Men... sigh... oh, yes! The so-called elite make-out song. If all else fails... at least if he's good in bed it might change the mood. but if he's not... damn! what now???

_____________________________________________________________________________

Going back to the story...

He's:

Attractive=30% +

Love=90% +

Sex=30% +

=150% /3 =50% which means... UNSURE!!!

So there, the fucking criteria hinders me in some fucking way to commit... and fuck it! fuck me! I can't solve the formula!!! is it supposed to be all about happiness, self-happiness?

If I have a "Sun" right now, should I search for better "stars" out there???

Identity Crisis Round 2!!!

noreply@blogger.com (Juno) — Fri, 13 Jul 2007 07:54:00 +0000

A not so recent break-up...
A new pretty girl...
and what will i get?
ta-da! A second trip to Identity Crisis!

I know I am gay, I was gay a few months ago, I was very sure of that (am I officially allowed to use the "was" about my gayness?), I've got a boy in my life (bedroom included), but when I met this girl, I found myself confused all over again.
I never thought that of all people or of all sex, I would be attracted to a girl!
I think I'm a "Trysexual" now, a trysexual is defined as someone who can try any sex. what!?
I guess cupid must have been wrong to strike his stupid arrow and skewered my heart with a girl/female/her/she...
Then, I've slowly realized that it's no longer just an attraction...
I am infatuated with her!
We had our moment.
It was during one midnight, where the moon was full and the wind was cool... we were both texting and were staying at two seperate spaces; I was standing outside the fire exit and she was sitting on her sink. Although we can see each other from where we stand... I declined her invitation to come over her place.
And since then, more stories unfolds...
The next thing I knew... I was seriuosly flirting with her even more!
Of course I got confused in the process, and worse is I got scared of getting hurt again... (I was assuming early on that there will be an "us") esp. issues of infidelity (now I am not only watching out for gay guys as opponents... but straight men as well! fuck the competition is not fair at all! not at all)
I can give this a try...
but can I handle the consequence?
(I have these questions that only myself can answer)
How did I got out of my comfort zone?
And why on earth am I grazing into an alien part of the universe!?... the so-called heterosexual relationship.
But this time I have a chance of having stability, STABILITY!
The question is, am i man enough to face my fear?

(sorry for using your photo my loves)

10 Days with Him

noreply@blogger.com (Juno) — Mon, 04 Jun 2007 15:17:00 +0000

I know, the title is catchy... but no, I am soooo single... still.
My Kuya came home from Jersey City for a 10-day vacation and damn it was crazy!;)
I've realized how hard it is to travel every day (almost)... gosh, it's like living in a trailer or it's like given a chance to live like a music artist On-Tour! After one trip, another new one is yet to happen...
it was all worth it...
From North to South...
I've enjoyed roaming the road and even the sea with my family...
And it was so surreal to see all my sibs next to me, "ngayun na lang kasi kami na-complete"
(Juno's lousy explanation: I haven't uploaded the best shots... ;p)

Is emptiness better than constant hurting?

noreply@blogger.com (Juno) — Fri, 11 May 2007 08:05:00 +0000

"I hate forcing myself to let go of one person that I need in my life, it's the only thing that makes sense but at the same time, it's the same thing that complicates me.
I know I'm better off without that person, yet I feel empty whenever I try to let go.
Is emptyness better than constant hurting?..."

I received this text message from a friend...
Well, every word fits perfectly...

Fuck Buddies?

noreply@blogger.com (Juno) — Wed, 25 Apr 2007 06:13:00 +0000

A.R., my Ex-B.F. & I met last Saturday at my dorm after a month of me ignoring him around campus/ texting bittersweet text messages and giving dozen of missed calls to each other.
Apparently, we have the same schedule of make-up duty that day, so we are really bound to meet.
During the duty, every movement and gesture I made to A.R. was so awkward!
I told him thru text that whatever "sweetness" happening between us in the text world will be different from the real world.
I haven't seen him for quite a long time, maybe 5, 6 or 7 weeks?
And I'm still a "disturbed haunted ghost"!;)
So there... we both can't help to see each other again... We gave in to the urge...
We resolved the issues, settled the drama and finally came to the decision that "we are free", no commitments... & if we happen to become lovers again good, & if we find someone new... much better???;p
And...
We had ***
Now, I still have this question in my head...
should I pursue our ended relationship or just move on?
Logic, logic, logic...
;x

Love is not a game... Never play with it!

noreply@blogger.com (Juno) — Tue, 20 Mar 2007 06:17:00 +0000

I am crushed, and devastated!
How can someone play with my heart just like that?
The trickery... the deception...
I really wonder how I can still manage to move on...
Fuck!
I gotta move on!

So, 7 months? Wow! We've been together for 7 long months...
But as it turned out...
The word "we" didn't even exist!!!
I was dreaming alone with him beside me...
I was so fuckin' in-love but was loving only one-way...

They warned me about him...
I listened but didn't let it sink in...
So, this is the consequence...
Fuck!
Why do I have to learn the hard and nasty way?

A sad story to share...
But a liberating effort for me...

THE FACTS AND DETAILS OF 1 OF THE GREATEST CONSPIRACY DONE TO ME:

March 7, 2007
♥ Refer to my entry posted on March 8, 07'
As it turned it...
There's nothing to break at all...
Because there was nothing...
Our relationship was just a joke...
to him...
but definitely not to me...

Additional infos:
We talked about us having “orgy”…
I have a crush on this guy. A sophomore nursing student, a real hottie…
I found out that he kinda likes me too…
So I told A.R. about it, he reacted very passively…
A.R. just told me that t’was fine with him if I go for my crush and even have sex with the guy…
But I told him that if it’s okay with him that I f*** others, it’s not cool with me if he’ll go and f*** new guys other than me.
I really didn’t know what to say about his incredibly malicious admission…
If I should be happy that A.R. is very open about me f***** other guys…
Or should I be mad at my man cause he no longer respect our exclusivity, it’s as if I can go and f*** everyone! Where is respect, loyalty and most of all love in our relationship?
But a part of me was happy,
Cause…
We’re open to each other…
Or perhaps there is something wrong happening that is very much hidden from me.

March 9, 2007 (a Friday)
♥ So I've waited for him after class, the usual thing...
We walked together...
In my opinion...
We seem very happy...
So it "seems"...
Our group needed to do a project so instead of staying behind and be with my man...
I have no choice but to leave him alone...
That word alone scares me to death knowing that during that time...I am so not secured in our relationship...
He walked me out of the campus...
While I was waiting for a jeepney with my groupmates...
I saw him...
He went back inside the campus with someone...
A girl...
I was so down after seeing it.

March 10, 2007
♥ The "b.f.-snatcher" texted me...
He managed to get my mobile phone's number...
And he fucked with my head... REAL GOOD!
My skin was flushed with this deep coldness...
I am silently crying out for help...
In that very harsh moment...
the guy that I thought would help me...
was nowhere...

March 11, 2007
♥ Can't help it any more...
So I texted A.R.
I told him that I needed his help so terribly...
He texted back...
Reassured me that the issue is nothing...
If it's nothing to him...
I just convinced my self to ignore and let the issue fade away...

>I also asked about last Friday's issue...
Who is the "girl"?
Why go back?
Why didn't he waved goodbye?

>And he answered:
t'was "Khaye" (the newly elected president)...
that he was hungry and needed to buy food in the canteen...
(no answer)

I believed every single word he said...
I trusted him...
I love him...

March 12, 2007 (a Monday)
♥ Early in the morning...
My classmate who's very close to me mouthed some words to me from the other side of our classroom...
He said...
"May sasabihin ako sa'yo... about kay A.R."
I know what to expect already...
So I replied, and I managed to joke about it...
"Let me guess... bad news?"
He said yes...
I couldn't wait for his story so I told him to write his story and exchange letters with me during class...
The letter said:
"Juno, si A.R. may iba na... nagsusumbong sa'kin yung 4th yr gay friend ko na nililigawan ni A.R. and the worst thing is pati yung B.F. nung 4th yr nililigawan na rin niya!... at sabi nung friend ko na yun, nahuli mo na daw sila before na magkasama..."
Fuck!
Fuck!
Fuck!
My sanity was torn into pieces...
Yes, I've seen A.R. before with that ugly gay guy a few months ago but I never really focused on it cause our relationship was doing great!...
Doin great in my point-of-view...
But recalling what happened that day that I saw them walking together...
He moved a few steps away from him...

What a day, right?
The big bust is yet to come...

The "4th yr" texted me...
That he is very willing to cooperate with me...
Fuck you!
What do you mean cooperate?
Help me to even fuck my head with more nasty information?
How they fucked behind my back?
How he satisfied his lust?
How they laughed real hard in my expense?

March 14, 2007
♥ “The Final Bout”

After almost 50 missed calls and a few not-so-sorry-more-of-a-very-much-proud text messages…
He texted me again telling me that if I don’t want to talk about it, it’s fine with him…
So I replied:
“Sn kb?
Mit me @ my dorm…
U knw wr 2 find me…”

He agreed.

After 6 hours of excruciatingly waiting for him at my friend’s dorm with other friends…
He finally told me that:
“Nnd2 na me sa tapat ng window mo, nakalock ung gate nyo…”

From my friends’ place I went to my dorm and asked one of my closest friends to walk me to my dorm…

Then I saw his face…
A very familiar face…
The face that I really recognize, that time became very puzzling to me in terms of identity.

All I wanted was to hear the truth…
Nothing more, nothing less…
The truth that was skillfully kept concealed to me…
The great fraud…
I just wanted to be set free…

Til the last drop of his uncanny blood…
He lied…
Wanting to fool me more…
Desiring to make the fucked up story craftier…
Isn’t the lies enough?
Can he make more miserable?
Is there a lot more I need to dumb myself with?

He constantly asked me painful to answer questions like:
“Galit ka?”
“Tayo pa ba?”
“Ano ba ang mga nalaman mo?”
“So tapos na tayo?”

I desperately wanted to hear an apology…
And until the end, after all the bruises, and the pain he had caused me…
Just one sincere “sorry” can erase all of it…
But he didn’t even manage to console and save my soul…

I insisted that he take all my love letters or should I say his love letters from me...
He didn'e take it...
As if they were just trash to him...
After the fucked up conversation...
He went outside...
just like that...
So I grabbed my keys...
crumpled all his love letters, locked my dorm, and threw it to trash!!!
On the second floor of my dorm...
I called his name...
And...
Slapped his face rael, real, REAL HARD!
And I ran away and went to my friends!
After that, I thought i would be happy, but 'til the end...
My concern for him rule over my hate!
Sigh...

And the most difficult thing is that I don't know anymore when to believe what ever he said to me whether it's fact or fiction, real or just words to relieve me...

March 20, 2007
♥And while I’m typing this entry at the school computer room, guess who came in?
Surprise!
It’s the gay couple that A.R. preferred against me.
What a fucker!
They were looking proud as if no harm was done…
I really wanted to punch their faces until I satisfy myself seeing blood running down their faces!

Now, what I've realized is that I did lose just one person in my life, one very valuable person (used to be)...
But I gained a lot...
My family, who loves me soooo much...
My army of friends... couldn't live without their back-up!
& people who care...
& of course Hotties who inspires me and suggests that "hey bitch, u gotta move on, damn you're HoT!" Hahahahaa... self flattery!
I'm not saying this cause I'm a very bitter EX!,
I just realized that I'm so damn filthy rich with the people who loves me inspite of me...
And that I don't need someone to make me feel my worth...
Thanks A.R. for breaking my heart...

Moving on!...
Damn!
This is sooo fun!
Yipee!;x

Break something weaker...

noreply@blogger.com (Juno) — Thu, 08 Mar 2007 02:29:00 +0000

We are on our 7th month being together now, and things are getting much better each day! Tho tough times can't be avoided, we still make it through.
Yesterday, after a very tiring day...
A.R. and I decided to hang out at my dorm as we usually do.
We watched my gay porn DVD, well actually I didn't watch anymore since I know all the twist and turns the pornstars will do.
So I just lie down beside him...
while checking out his mobile phone, in his inbox...
I saw some text messages that I wish I just didn't see.
An unregistered number was texting my man...
Saying words like: "baby kumain ka na", "magkasama ba kau ni juno?", "wat gwa mu?" and other stuff that almost made my heart burst out! Burst out of jealousy and anger! My heart was beating like a horse's after a race!
It was my first time!
He's my first boyfriend, this is my first relationship and I don't know how to confront the situation...
Finally after a few more messages read, I asked him who's the person texting him and what is happening...
Then he told me everything...
The guy is an ugly gay guy, was an ex-nursing student, a sophomore, and is now a Rad Tech student that A.R. encountered in the past.
Well, I am amazed how that feisty bitch nicknamed me "DRAGON" (he's assuming that I'm a war-freak)and how he desperately text someone's bf and tell him how horny he is. Gosh! how lame and pitiful!
I wanted to hunt the illusional fag and be very, very, very, VERY VIOLENT...
but I'm not like that...
Thank God I still have my composure amidts the drama...
And if I pay attention to the soooper dreamer bitch, it'll just prove him right that I am a "DRAGON".
And why should I stoop down to his level?
If my man doesn't even care about the issue, why would I waste my time troubling myself with a pathetic loser?
I asked A.R. why he didn't tell me that someone's texting him...
he reassured me that no one can break what we have...
I am stupid at times, but I know when to use my head!
I know that he loves me, and i can really feel it...
But all I want is that next time, our relationship will be much stronger if we have honesty and share each other's pain and triumphs.
We are going there...
We are going there...

Thank God I can now upload videos on Photobucket!

noreply@blogger.com (Juno) — Sat, 24 Feb 2007 07:24:00 +0000

I am so thankful to Photobucket!;)
Since I'm so busy right now, even posting something with sense is so impossible.
But now, the videos that tell my stories can take the place of my typed letters!;)
Woohoo!;) I'm so lazy!;)
This is a video taken at McDonalds my friend was supposed to take a pic shot but she turned the video mode of my mobie phone on...
:)
My dream of a video blog is now a reality!;)
Expect more of my videos in the future!;)

Don't compromise yourself... Yourself is all you've got.

noreply@blogger.com (Juno) — Mon, 05 Feb 2007 07:21:00 +0000

com·pro·mise [kom-pruh-mahyz] -

1. a settlement of differences by mutual concessions; an agreement reached by adjustment of conflicting or opposing claims, principles, etc., by reciprocal modification of demands.
2. the result of such a settlement.
3. something intermediate between different things: The split-level is a compromise between a ranch house and a multistoried house.
4. an endangering, esp. of reputation; exposure to danger, suspicion, etc.: a compromise of one's integrity.
5. a middle way between two extremes

I'll give way just to make you happy.
Surrender one battle for you to win a hundred battle.
I'll be the loser if you can't stomach being the loser.
Laugh at your jokes that all points back to me like a knife stabbing my chest.
I'll say sorry even if I deserve an apology more than you do.
I'll take the blame.
I'll hug you whenever you feel alone.
I'll let you bite me, but let me bite back.
Say goodbye once, I'll stop you twice, do it thrice, you won't see me holding you back.
I won't act like a victim in this crime...
cause my conscience tells me that I'm also guilty.
I cried because of you, but I would still wipe your tears dry.
You walked a million kilometer just to say you love me, but I gave more importance to how much time I spent standing at a post waiting for you.
Don't call, I'll be fine,
Don't accept my apology...
Ignore me...
I'll compromise,
I'd rather choose to be hurt,
to be called a hypocrite,
than to loose you.
But then again,
how long will I compromise?
No one's asking me to do so...
Am I that naive to not realize that he also does the same?
And yet I kill myself subconsciously with expectations I don't need.

I don't even have time to blog...

noreply@blogger.com (Juno) — Mon, 22 Jan 2007 08:39:00 +0000

Gosh, my life now is soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
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busy!

Got too many stories to tell but I just can't seem to end up with a single post...

And I desperately want to just videoblog my entries, but uploading a video from my cell phone to a host on the net takes a trillion year and I can't wait that long...

Sigh...

Someday I'll find time to speak up and finally revive the life of my blog... ;)

Sound trip coz I'm busy?

noreply@blogger.com (Juno) — Sat, 11 Nov 2006 08:11:00 +0000

I'm so busy with school, with my love life ;p, with my extracurriculars(theater), with my life!;p
So I can't post any decent story...
I'll just share the songs I love...

Nothing's Gonna Stop Us Now

noreply@blogger.com (Juno) — Sat, 07 Oct 2006 20:30:00 +0000

Lookin' in your eyes
I see a paradise
This worild that I found
Is to good to be true

Standin' here beside you
Want's so much to give you
This love in my heart
And I'm feelin' for you

They say we're crazy
I don't give a damn
Put your hand in my hand
Baby dont ever look back

Let the world around us
Just fall apart
Baby we can make it
If we're heart to heart

Chorus:
And we can build this dream together
Stand this strong forever
Nothing's gonna stop us now
And if this world runs out of lovers
We'll still have eachother
Nothing's gonna stop us now

I'm so glad I found you
I'm not gonna loose you
What ever it takes
I will stay here with you
Take it to the good times
See it trough the bad times
Whatever it takes that's what I'm gonna do

They say we're crazy bhat do they know
Put your hands around me baby don't ever let go

Let the world around us just fall apart
Baby we can make it if we're heart to heart

Chorus

All that i need is you
All that I ever need
And all that I want to do
Is hold you forever
Ever and ever

Solo

Chorus

AR has this song (not the original version) in his mobile phone...
He told me to listen to it...

Ahhh...
I am so in-love with my man, I am so in-love with you AR!
We had tough trials before we reached where we are today!
Just read my previous post.But now, Nothing's really gonna stop us now!
I can see us going places! We are growing together...
And I am so thankful that we are happy now!

This week, we had a bitter-sweet ride...
And also this week we celebrated our 2nd monthsary (last October 5)...
During our monthsary:
We cried like children...
Because finally, we opened up...
Now we know what we really mean to each other...
And finally, he gave me the only thing that I ask from him, which is his truth.
tho he told me...
"Mahal kita, pero hindi ko lang talaga maipakita..."
Which totally surprised me and at the same time made things clear...
And tho he offered my freedom back, because he no longer wanted to see me cry and hurt and be devastated because of him...
I refused to end our relationship...
Because I really can't...
It was not the right time...
I told him that we will work together...
That I'll help him show his love for me...
And now, we are unstoppable!!!
I love him so much...
And tho saying "I love you" to him is so overused...
I mean it, so much!!!
And now, I am more convinced that we can last for long...
Because he is loving me more than ever, the words that he told me about his love that doesn't show... I can feel it now a thousand fold! And I couldn't ask for more...
We are moving a step higher each time we fall hard on the ground!

AR, thanks for being my man, I love you!

Doin' too much

noreply@blogger.com (Juno) — Sun, 01 Oct 2006 01:00:00 +0000

"Doing too much"
by Paula DeAnda

I'm leaving messages and voicemails
Telling you I miss you
Baby am I doing too much (too much)
Why you tryna diss me
When I just wanna kiss you
Baby am I doing too much (too much)
Tell me what's the issue
Who I give these lips to
Baby am I doing too much (too much)
This is turning into
Something I ain't hip to
Baby am I doing too much (too much)

See you got me all alone
Waitin right here by the phone
For you to call me,
Just to here
Your voice tone
I keep on wondering if you was even
Feeling me, I keep on wondering if
This was even meant to be
Tell me imma waste of time, boy
You showing me no sign, is it cuz u on
Ya grind, cuz you're always on my mind

I keep on wondering if everything you said was true
I keep on wondering if you were really coming through

Now here I go again blowing you up,
And my girlfriends keep telling me
I'm doing too much
Now here I go again blowing you up,
And my girlfriends keep telling me
I'm doing too much

I'm leaving messages and voicemails
Telling you I miss you
Baby am I doing too much (too much)
Why you tryna diss me
When I just wanna kiss you
Baby am I doing too much (too much)
Tell me what's the issue
Who I give these lips to
Baby am I doing too much (too much)
This is turning into
Something I ain't hip to
Baby am I doing too much (too much)

I'm out with my girls tryna have a good time
And you know I'm looking fly tryna meet sum other guys
But it gets hard sometimes cuz there ain't no one just like you
I try my best but I can't shake this thing u got me going through

All i can picture is the color of your eyes, and the way u make me smile
I ain't felt this in a while,
But I came to a conclusion that this is pure illusion
Chaos and confusion but I'm not gonna let it ruin

The way I feel about myself cuz I got self-esteem, sometimes I
Wonder if I'm just chasing a fantasy

The way I feel about myself cuz I got self-esteem, sometimes I
Wonder if I'm just chasing a fantasy

I'm leaving messages and voicemails
Telling you I miss you
Baby am I doing too much (too much)
Why you tryna diss me
When I just wanna kiss you
Baby am I doing too much (too much)
Tell me what's the issue
Who I give these lips to
Baby am I doing too much (too much)
This is turning into
Something I ain't hip to
Baby am I doing too much (too much)

(Baby Bash:)
Just leave ya name and number
And I'm gon holla at cha
Just leave ya name and number
And I'm gon holla at cha
Just leave ya name and number
And I'm gon holla at cha
Just leave ya name and number
And I'm gon holla at cha

Ronnie Ray all day
Women in the hall way, Ev day losing track of the people tryna call me
Don't take this the wrong way, I been havin long days, doing it, moving
Round the town wherever I'm getting my song played

Now here I go again blowing you up,
And my girlfriends keep telling me
I'm doing too much

Now here I go again blowing you up,
And my girlfriends keep telling me
I'm doing too much

I'm leaving messages and voicemails
Telling you I miss you
Baby am I doing too much (too much)
Why you tryna diss me
When I just wanna kiss you
Baby am I doing too much (too much)
Tell me what's the issue
Who I give these lips to
Baby am I doing too much (too much)
This is turning into
Something I ain't hip to
Baby am I doing too much (too much)

Doing Too Much

When is the right time to say that you're already"Doing too much"?

What happened to the Juno that I know? The strong, intelligent, glowing and fun and exciting gay guy that evrybody loves and hates. If there are changes in your life, most especially in your attitude towards life, I think you should never blame anyone because if someone suddenly comes into your life and changes you one way or another, directly or indirectly, the choice is yours to make, it's either you let that person affect and influence you or you stick with who you are, with the characteristics that make you, YOU, or you go somewhere in between (which is totally mission impossible in my opinion...).

My boyfreind AR is driving me nuts. He's always banging inside my head, fuckingly throbbing in every corner of my heart and draining every glow and life of my very soul... 24/7!!!

I text him right after I wake up in the morning, text him still to say "I LOVE YOU", "MAHAL NA MAHAL KITA" and ask him if he's just okay or tell him my whereabouts. I try to reach out everytime that we can't be together because I have my extracurriculars. My concern for him never stop! I know I'm missing out on him but my point is... I am reaching out here. And if you can't feel it... You can definitely kill me.

In the beginning, all he did to me was to make me float on midair, bring me to cloud9, give me a natural high and damn, everybody can see that I'm inspired. But now, I am no different to a topsy-turvy, empty, house after a wild party last night, to those lethargic patients that I see once in a while in the hospital ward, I am trying my best to live my life eventhough deep down inside the happiness in my life depends greatly on one single humanbeing, AR. Stupid and unfair? I know! Now, I am unfair to my family, to my friends, to myself and also to him. I am so unfair to everyone! I don't want to make him appear as if his the bad guy here, but if he can make the best out of me, he can also make the most aweful person in the world out of me, I'm the stupid guy here! I feel so miserable because of what I am doing to myself, loving a person so much and forgeting that I still have great people who I can love. He is not obliging me to love him, in fact, he wants me to stop loving him if he knows that he is not doing any good in my life, but hello, I love you! All I need is for you to love me too, appreciate my stupidity, bear with my short-comings, forgive my faults, compromise and understand and most especially accept me for who I am And just let me shower you with great love that you might not find anywhere, a rare love that comes once in a lifetime. He is doin it all but... just enough to make me feel so unappreciated, most of the time (and I am not exhaggerating.) Now what about selfworth? I can sacrifice, I can give til there's nothing left in me, I can be brave and strong for us...even if deep inside I am more scared than anyone...and even if it'll empty me inside...

I feel so weak and defenseless because I sincerely, selflessly, martyr-like love him. I am all for him. Will somebody give me some advice, a really good one, an advice that can really help not just me but also AR. I want to lay all my cards but if I do, it will be unfair for him because I really don't know his side of the story. Only if he could make me be a part of his life even more maybe this could be better, maybe this relationship could work-out just fine.

In a relationship, it takes two to tango, all I wish is that we meet halfway because I want to end up with him, tho not forever at least for a long time...

If this is the love that's for me, the kind of love that I deserve, then this is the love that I...
I don't know what to say anymore...
Dead end for me...
I made just one promise to AR, and I am not breaking it. I promised that I'll be the last person that will never leave him, the very person that will love him til there's nothing lovable left in him, the person that will be there for him...
"I wish I know how to quit you."

I am scared to loose him... or anyone in that matter... Because I don't know if I will love like this ever again or if someone will love me like he do! or maybe because he's my first?...
He's the dangerous kind...
His history is criminal!
All I am asking is honesty and trust...
But if this is not meant to be...
I'll set you free... (F*@%, that would tear up my dreams and crush my world)
Just give me two years...
And I'll be okay again...
But for now I'll never let you go... As long as you are there!

Anything for you

noreply@blogger.com (Juno) — Sat, 23 Sep 2006 23:06:00 +0000

♥September 11, 2006:
Since our duties are conflicting, mine was 6am to 2pm at the Operating room @ La Salle and his was 2pm to 10pm @ La Salle as well, we have to sacrifice and work on it!
But we never stopped sending sweet text messages while on duty... ;p
(Since I'm tired after a long day of working @ the OR, I usu. sleep right after I arrive @ my dorm & wake up at around 5-6pm...)
I know we miss each other like hell... I know!!!

>He texted me(@ around 9-10pm-after his duty)...
AR:"nand2 lang aq malapit sa dorm mo"
me:"ge, gv me 5mins., shower lng aq."
then I took a very brief shower, put on some cologne... and went outside...
AR:"wag na...uwi na aq, nsa jip na aq..."
I was disappointed...
but I never complained...
I prepared and I was about to meet him that night, but it was too late...

♥September 12, 2006:

Duty conflicting again...
But I went to his duty area for:
Reason # 1: I was hoping to find my missing patient @ AR's ward...
Reason # 2: To see him and make "papansin"
I saw him doing something near the patients' list... luckily I need not to go any further, because that's where I "really" need to go to...
So, while he was busy...
I stood beside him and pretended that I was just another nurse searching for a patient...
We didn't talk, I just smiled at him and said hi...
;p
(my regular "pag-papa-cute style")

♥September 13, 2006:

I don't remember anything that happened on this day!?!?!?

♥September 14, 2006:

No longer our duty, I've waited for him after class...
but he was not textin me...
So, I invited my friend to join me and check the internet...
Then, he texted me that he was just downstairs(my dorm)...
But before entering the net cafe, I asked him "ano, okay lang ba kung mag-net ako? pwede ko namang gawin to mamaya"
he said "wag na,nanjan na e,ituloy mo na..."
I hurried and finished my work for about half an hour only, coz I know he's waiting and I don't want to waste his time just waiting for me...
but when I was done and willing to cuddle him...
he decided to just go home...
I didn't expect that he'd do that...
I was really hurt...

Then, I made this "Break up" letter...
I did that ONLY to release my pain...
Do you know how I feel about sometimes you know your relationship is no longer working but you just can't leave the person because your love is greater than anything and you are willing to do anything just to make things work???...
That night, I was really hurt...
I tried texting him...
but he was...
I don't know?!?!?

♥September 15, 2006:

Finally, after a week of coldness...
We ended up at my dorm again...
We cuddled and cuddled and talked and talked...
Then, when everything was goin fine...
He opened up to me that he was bugged that I didn't meet him up last Monday(Sept. 11)...
and why do I have to take a shower...
all he wanted was to see me...

I didn't say anything...
I wanted to be with him so badly that night too...
But it just didn't happen...
But my point is I came...
And I finally said to him...
I came...

And then, I opened up my hurt feelings to him,
I said that I made this break up letter for him....

And then....

everything changed!!!

He suddenly turned into this cold, silent and unknown person...

I can sense that he was shocked...hurt...and threatened...

I tried explaining myself...
that I don't have any intention of giving the letter to him or breaking up with him...
but he was decided that...
that...
I am calling it quits...
but I don't want to call it quits, God knows I love him so much!!!
But then he decided that he has to go home...

So I begged...
I grabbed his bag and put it behind me...
And begged some more for us to fix this mess...
that I don't want to end the relationship that way...
since I am not giving his bag...
he opened the door and left...
all I had was his bag for him to return...
Damn, my world crumbled!!!!!
I went over my friends' dorm and cried...
I texted him to get his bag @ my dorm and to talk to me...
after a few hours...
he texted me...
that he was waiting outside my dorm...
I hurried...
then...
I explained...
it didn't work...
I felt so alone and destroyed that night...
the I gave his bag...
and he left...

That night, I went to my friends...
and entertained myself...
but the pain just can't seem to vanish...
I kept on texting him...
trying to win him back...
no message came out from him!
I can't sleep, I cried... I was devastated...
Then out of a sudden...
with my eyes so tired...
I fell asleep...

♥September 16, 2006:

My morning was never the same as to those of the past days...
thank God my theater rehearsals kept me occupied...
but after that, I went home alone...
On my way home, I tried even more convincing him that I never wanted to hurt him and swallowed all my pride...
but still...
he was not responding...
I went home so hurt...
then, my younger brother asked me: "o, kamusta na kayo ni AR?"
I said we're almost over...

♥September 17, 2006:

I went to ukay-ukay with my mom...
I was so hurt still, and I wanted to tell my mom about everything...
but I just can't...
Then, I went back to Dasma, Cavite that night...
hurt...

♥September 18, 2006:

I have this old CD... that has sad songs...
All I listened to is...
"Anything for you" by Gloria Estefan...
Damn the lyrics are perfect!!!
every word matches my heart's cry...

♥September 19, 2006:

Still...
"Anything for you"
Still...
no news about AR...

♥September 20, 2006:

"Anything for you"...
I texted up AR's close friend, Rika, also my friend...
To check how he has been...
She said

♥September 21, 2006:

P.S.:
I'll finish this post later...

My OR stories

noreply@blogger.com (Juno) — Tue, 05 Sep 2006 06:00:00 +0000

TAHBSO (Total Abdominal Hysterectomy Bilateral Salphingo-Oophorectomy)
Removal of the Uterus, Fallopian tube and Ovaries...

My gosh...
I never thought that working in the Operating Room can be such fun!!!
Scrub-in, Scrub-out!
And also that sterility issue!!! Man, being sterile is no joke!

I woke really early, because my shift is 6am to 2pm... I was drowsy, and immediately my Clinical instructor scrubbed me IN!

The experience was amazing...
Saving a life is kewl!!!
I saw a huge myoma. It was like a huge dinosaur egg!!!
My life is now like watching "Grey's Anatomy" LIVE!

Got to go... I'm sleepy, I have to wake again early tomorrow...
Speaking of tomorrow...

We'll be celebrating our first monthsary tomorrow, me & AR!
Awww...

Love til it hurts...

noreply@blogger.com (Juno) — Sat, 26 Aug 2006 18:30:00 +0000

That's my motto now!

One big sigh...

The fisrt two weeks was heaven on earth, paradise on hostile grounds, it was my long-lost dream coming true!
My wish upon the star granted...
But every dream ends when you wake up...

Before, he always text me sweet messages and check on me from time to time and that keeps me high all through out the day, a smile that inspires others, and a smile that glows from in out...
Most of the people who knows me can sense that I am really happy, they're happy for me and If you are really happy and on top of the world, it'll show!

But, this week, it was different...
Something went wrong...
Nope, we're not over yet...
I am still holding on...
You shouldn't think that I am the victim here, no i'm not, I am more of the criminal...
My so-called unconditional love breaks out of its shell and became a wanting&needing love!!!
I am the wrong one...
but is it too much to ask for love?

This week, I felt his coldness towards me, tho its only on text messages, any person would know or feel the emotion behind every letter, that form the words...
And I felt the huge difference now from the past few weeks...
There was confrontation over here and there on our mobile phones, and when in person, everything's different! As if nothing's wrong, the passion is still there but when distance creeps in... drama starts to wear me out...
Thank God I have my faithful friends who backs me up in times of grave confussion and heartache...
And they say that communication and trust and all the great words there is must rule our relationship not the negativity in my soul...
And I tried...
But I love to the point that I am hurting inside...
I know he is doin his best too... but we just can't seem to reach each other...
(too much drama)
I went out with my friends last night, and I had some beer and boy I was a bit tipsy again...
prior to this party, we were having some misunderstandings...
And I desperately needed his attention...
But like his previous text replies lately, I recieved nothin but one-liners... like: "Ok", "bahala ka na", "anung gusto mong manyari?"...
With these texts, I feel abandoned, I feel like I am a one-man-gag-show...
Sigh...
They say love is not perfect, but I think love has nothing to do with it, it's the people who use it...
Just this morning, again, no more pride left, I asked him what happened last night, and all he said was... "Bakit?"
I erased his number...
He's still texting me...
Still there...
I am tired...
No more dramas...
I need some time for myself...

Will we ever reach our monthsary?...
Or...
the question is....
do we both want this?
I do...

Then I met my man...

noreply@blogger.com (Juno) — Fri, 11 Aug 2006 21:50:00 +0000

I never expected that someone will love me like this... I am almost done with love when he came into my life... Now, I am more than complete, and he says that I complete him too... If this is real love and I know that it is, what's next?

Ayun na nga... meron akong milyung-milyong crush sa mundo, pero merong isa na winindang ang buhay ko...
His name is AR, Nursing student din, 3rd yr din, cute din, pero magkaiba kmi ng section; BSN3-1 sya, BSN3-2 ako...
Rodney Angielo...

medyo matagal ko na rin syang crush,pero wala lang sa akin yun, wla lng, crush ko lang sya, hanggang dun na lng un!

•August 4, 2006; 5:00PM...
I was at my classmate's dorm for a brainstorming-like activity, I was in a rush that time because I have an audtion to attend to (I auditioned for our campus' official dance org...luckily, I got in!), I was in a rush... Then, I saw AR... I made some "pagpapa-cute" moves, but I don't think I am getting noticed...but this is the moment... listen...
He was walking along the very narrow hallway of the said dorm, and I was walking right behind him when...
He turned around and gave me the biggest shock of my life!
It was obvious that he felt ashamed of what he did, but to me... it was f*ckin gr8!
That night... a common friend of ours (AR's) sent me a msg,askin for my permission if AR could get my mobile phone number... I replied YES! tho it was my last peso!...
AR texted me...he said hello, but I ran out of credit!... and finally, he said that he was sorry for scarin the hell out of me!;p

•August 5,2006
I am dying to text him,but I waited til my 2nd screening for the campus' official theater was over!(I auditioned again, and I passed! I really wanted to perform on stage!) t'was around 2:30 or 3pm when I started textin him...
And from Dasmariñas, Cavite til Santa Cruz, Laguna... we texted! ;p
And I am no longer single...
I was hesitant at first bout entering a relationship, but what the heck! Go,go,go!

•August 6,2006
"Awayan/tampuhan/lambingan over text"

•August 7,2006; Monday
I went back to Dasmariñas...

•August 8,2006
3Am: He woke me up just to tell me that he'll come over my dorm... so,I fixed up my dorm...
6AM: I woke up the second time,he told me he'll be there that time... i waited, he was still not there! so i went over to wake Fritzie and let out my anxiety!
7am: I saw him waiting outside my dorm... inside my room... we kissed and caressed each other but the move was all done by him, i was just shocked and moving along his passionate expression of "love"...

•August 9,2006
Explosion of Passion! After our class, he went over my place and then...Sex, love and intimacy! We talked about our lives, kissed, held each other's hands, embraced each other and had sex! T'was amazing, and I fell even more to him! After the 4hour wonderful moment, I ate dinner with AR...and escorted him home...

•August 10,2006
"Kahapon lang"... Sex: round2! but this time, it was more meaningful, I am not saying that the other day was not, this time it was because I felt, we both felt and i saw in his eyes that this is not just a game, man, this is love! not a love just to say it is "love" but love... (senseless isn't it? I am not making sense, but seriously, I am feeling it), I've realized my purpose in his life... And I don't want to mess it up! and I can feel that AR feels the same way too! Finally, after continueos hurts from my past, I found the person that compliments me, that inspires me, that makes me beautiful, that see right through my soul and is honestly proud of me...

•August 11,2006
Now: I am typing. And I am
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in love...
Every love song makes sense, I am smiling alone, I miss him right after he leaves, I greet the people I hate, I look around the campus checking if he's around, boy this is magical!